I’ve been in and out of consciousness the past few weeks. My life, my thoughts and everything about and around me have been shaken up and turned into a tizzy. I wish I could explain why but there’s something seriously bothering me….well maybe it’s not one specific thing. It’s an accumulation of a lot of things. I feel like I am having an out of body experience. I can see things happening before my eyes and yet I’m slow to react and try to change the chain of unfortunate events. Maybe what they say about me is right----perhaps I promote drama. I’ve been lashing out at everyone within arms reach as of lately and it appears as though I can’t pinpoint the exact cause for my actions.
I want to be happy…yet, I can’t define the word. As strange as it may seem and appear, I am a loner that lives thru the eyes of others. I put myself in others lives yet I invite few if any into mine. I jokingly made a status update on facebook that said “ I don’t think outside the box, I bring people into mine”. While a joke at the time, my humor seems to be more truthful than I can readily admit…I just didn’t see it at the time.
I’m hurting people around me and I’m slowly killing myself in the process. When I don’t want to be bothered…I shut down and all but evaporate from all things social. What was once a great gift of humorous and thinly veiled sarcasm has abruptly turned into vengefully spewed verbal darts propelled by a slick tongue wrapped in anger. Simply put, my words have been causing much pain. The sad reality of it all is that I’m fully aware of my actions…yet, I do it anyway and try nothing to avoid it.
I need. I want. I have to get away.
*pops a sleeping pill only to remember the sudden drug fueled deaths of Heath Ledger and Brittany Murphy….spits pill on the floor*
~fin~
